Recently I began to journal again. In the past, it was something I had done in the most stressful moments of my life. It became a daily habit and more of an ongoing prayer/conversation w/God. Those moments would subside and after some time I would go back and read those entries. It helped me see where I was and how much progress I had made. Sometimes reading those moments in my journal made me very sad. Not sad as in depressed. Sad that the girl I was listening to was in such a dark and sometimes lonely place. I no longer connected to those moments and feelings as something that was true for me. It was a great reminder of where I was then and how far I had come. How God molded those moments for me to learn a lesson.
There have been times in my life that I felt like my entire life thus far has been lesson after lesson after lesson. Some have been easy, others have not. I have also realized that not all the lessons were specifically just for me. I had to go through that moment in order to be able to help someone else navigate that season in their life. I was always grateful after the fact of course. Once I saw the why, when and where. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Even if that light is very dim and the tunnel seems never ending. That light we chase. That is the lesson. When we finally get to the end and can grab a hold of that light. It’s exhilarating. We made it. We survived.
Recently, we encountered a tunnel within a tunnel. Or maybe it was a tunnel with a sudden drop, a hole in the ground, a detour. Whatever its called, I felt something I have only felt once before. (When my father passed away) I was being swallowed up whole. The feeling of what I can only call desperation was overwhelming.
A state of despair, typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.
synonyms: hopelessness, despair, distress,anguish, agony, torment, misery, wretchedness, discouragement, disheartenment
Those synonyms. I felt them.
Every. Single. One.
At the same exact moment.
In an instant, I lost sight of the light. My tunnel, the one that had been so sturdy before. The one I successfully traveled to the end. The one that never failed. All of the sudden, it started to crumble at my feet. The dust kicked up and made it impossible to see. Out of all the moments/lessons God has chosen for my life, why this one? It felt like we were so close to the end of that tunnel. That light was bright. There it was, HOPE.
And just like that, the world stopped. It felt like the chair had been kicked out from under us. Like we had been punched in the gut and we couldn’t catch our breath. In the moments following what could be called, “the worst day ever”. We allowed ourselves to feel. We allowed ourselves to weep. We allowed ourselves to believe that this wasn’t the end.
We choose to continue with the day we had planned. We went to the movies. We went to dinner. We tried to continue moving forward. Because that tunnel that felt like it had swallowed us whole. Well, the ground was solid again. And even though the light was further away than before. It didn’t mean it was gone forever.
We made the decision to search for the light. To know that God wouldn’t lead us astray. That there was a purpose in this struggle. A struggle we have yet to fully comprehend.
But a struggle we are taking on with the courage that has been given to us by God. It hasn’t been fun. And for a while, it just won’t be. But even when the dust gets kicked up with our unsure footing. You have to remember that the dust will always settle. And what once looked like a desperate situation is now riddled with the light of hope.
Your eyes adjust and you can see it again.
I don’t know who I’m writing this for. Maybe it’s just for me to remind myself when things get cloudy.
Will I post this? I don’t know. But, if I have paid attention in the past about the lessons in my life. I know this isn’t the end. We just took a small detour. We have been rerouted and are now waiting for further instructions.
God is good.